Little things that feel like Big things

I’m off to work on the bus today. Its going to be a good day; the sun is shining for the first time in weeks, I’ve got a bit of work to get done this morning, and then this afternoon, we’ve got a company barbecue – a few drinks paid for, a decent bunch of people for the most part, and I’ve told everyone (up to and including the CEO) that it’ll cost them beer to talk shop to me after the first pint.

And I’m wearing metallic blue nail varnish.

I’m not in the closet at work, but neither am I out of it. I think I present at the flamboyant end of straight, I wear a rainbow lanyard, and I’ve expressed my enthusiasm for taking a leadership role in the Pride Network that I’ve agitated for and that’s about to be announced, but I haven’t come out as… what? A cross-dressing pansexual? I can’t use that description; it invites a hundred more questions that require gender studies basics to explain, and my company is predominantly straight/white/middle aged/men and heavily ex-military. They’d understand, but my capacity for repeated explanation is limited. I’ll probably just go with queer. Or bisexual, and you can fuck off with the follow-up questions.

I’m wearing metallic blue nail varnish, and I don’t have the time, equipment or opportunity to remove it.

Our company’s big D&I awareness campaign (and the Pride kick off) don’t happen until next week – it’d have been really helpful if it had been last week, but today is definitely the day to start being neutrally out instead of neutrally in the closet. Low-pressure work social.

Also, I’m not the only gay in the village – there’s at least one other non-straight (but about 400 people are going to be at the barbie). There are definitely others, and I feel a really strong need to be visible for them. I’m reasonably senior and reasonably respected and disproportionately well recognised in the company, and I need to advocate for those who are less comfortable than I am. But it doesn’t feel very comfortable to me right at this moment.

I know they won’t care, but what if they do?

I know they’ll be supportive, but what if they’re not?

I know they’ll be respectful (or at least not intentionally disrespectful), but what if they’re not?

I know it won’t be career limiting, but what if it kind of subtly is?

And all this from an unspoken message I’m sending by wearing nail varnish FFS. What if I’d really gone for it and work a long, silky wrap skirt?

Oh well, that’ll just have to wait for the Christmas bash.

Wish me luck.

TMI Tuesday – 22 January 2019

1. What was your favorite part of yesterday?

I was going to say that it was starting rehearsals for a play that I’m going to be in, but then I realised it wasn’t that at all. I was called into a meeting with my boss and a (slightly) more junior colleague. He is the single most repulsive individual I’ve ever worked with, and it was because his ‘office banter’ is straight out of a 1970s sitcom. He refers to people by description (the tall blonde (female) one, the little fella, the Irishman, and my personal favourite ‘the little blonde girlie in the main office who, for some reason, got Employee of the Year last year’), uses incredibly sexist and patronising language (calling female colleagues ‘dear’ and worse) and has used the phrase n****** in the woodpile in front of me, twice. I’d mentioned it to the boss on a number of occasions, to his face and by email, and explained exactly the shitstorm of HR pain and grief that was coming his way if he didn’t do something about it.

The colleague was appropriately rebriefed, and I then had to take him aside and explain exactly why his comments were unacceptable. He played the ‘it wasn’t me, it was him too’ card, and I got to slap that down hard too. I’m not sure it went in, so he’s not going to be long in the company.

2. If you could make your own porn movie, what would you call it? Would you write it, direct and/or star in the movie?

The Cuddle Puddle – it’d have all the wonderful range of people we play with in kink clubs. All ages, all gender presentations, all bisexual. Men DPing women with their cocks and a strap-on, boys and girls playing together with enthusiasm and abandon in all configurations, tattoos, scars, bellies, women spit-roasting men (not for the power play, just for the sheer fucking fun of it). Watersports, feathers, dress-up, spankings, all the players taking joy in the giving of pleasure, not the taking of it.

I don’t think I’ve seen that outside the realm of indie, ethical porn producers like Four Chambers, or all the cool stuff on Pink Label, and there needs to be a lot more of it in the world.

3. What do you like the least about sex?

Finding the opportunity to do it without inhibition. That’s not just to do with the surroundings and kids in the house – I’m also aware that @NotMuchofaMuse still has to give me a slap on the bum and tell me to get on with stuff I’m hesitant about giving myself permission to do.

4. So, now what are you planning to do?

I’m about to have a VTC with out company’s CEO to explain to them the view of the management and operation of the company from the ground floor. I’m going to be telling the whole group that we’re hideously behind the curve on Diversity and Inclusion, but I’m not going to be telling them all that I’ve put together a plan for a Pride network that should have been established 10 years ago (I’m not really out at work – it’s coming, just not yet).

5. If you were a box of cereal, what would you be and why?

The sort that’s really a bacon roll with a thick slice of black pudding in it.

To see who else is oversharing, click the link above!

Elust 114

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Photo courtesy of Rebel’s Notes

Welcome to Elust 114

The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you’re looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it’ll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #115? Start with the rules, come back February1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!

~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~

The Painful Truth…

As Wet As I Get

Three, in the end

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FemDom {T}ropes

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On Discovering Queerness in Later Life

I was 47 when I recognised that I wasn’t exactly as straight as I’d heretofore assumed. Now, I flatter myself that I’m about as liberal, open-minded and sex-positive a human as you could hope to meet in normal life, and given that I’ve been pretty open on the kink scene for about 4 years, my ‘normal’ casts a pretty wide net. But no, as far as I was concerned up to that point, I was comfortable counting a pretty wide variety of LGBTQ+ people within my friendship group, openly and on Facebook, but it really wasn’t my thing.

Except. Except … Except lots of things, as it turns out. My fiancée Helena knew. She’d always kind of known, and there were lots of bits of our play that had dropped some pretty broad hints. I was quite happy to slip into a little pleated tartan skirt and take photos to send her, entirely because she ‘needed a laugh and a bit of cheering up’; when I was in San Francisco, I went underwear shopping in the Castro and browsed Grindr (strictly for research); I thoroughly enjoyed anal play (although I found it a difficult thing to ask for). I still deny that my willingness and ability to run up a set of curtains for me and lacy underwear for her on her sewing machine is an indicator.

Continue reading On Discovering Queerness in Later Life

Fishnets and Fancy Free (Time) – Sinful Sunday

For this Sinful Sunday, I’m using one of the photos I took for #FishnetsFriday this week, and I’m really feeling the need to up my selfie game! You know how you read about people spending half a day trying to capture that one perfect unposed shot that they can filter the shit out of and post as their best self?

Yeah, I don’t have time for that stuff, but I am learning about, for example, making sure the bedside table is going to be out of shot when I’ve finished editing (especially if I havent tidied recently and there’s a bottle of lube, 3 novels and a gram of weed on it), keeping the selfie stick out of shot, and angles, baby … nobody wants those middle aged jowels in the frame …

Anyway, what I’m absolutely fucking loving about taking these is that I’ve now given myself permission to take sexy photos of myself, see the sexiness in them and to share them with Helena – she’s been sending me these since we first met, in fact her profile pic on my phone is one that she sent me of her stocking top and cream and navy polkadot dress from the train as she was coming down for our first proper date.

So, here it is, gender-fuckery fun, taken with the specific intention of making someone else horny and wanting to fuck me.

Reader, it worked.